


If I Had More Than My Ambition

by K1mHeechu1



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Quarantink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:14:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24181918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/pseuds/K1mHeechu1
Summary: Yuzuru knows there's a choice to make.Hypothetically.But is there, really, a choice to make?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	If I Had More Than My Ambition

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is my answer to the forty-seventh prompt of this challenge: Clown.  
> This one's not what I usually write, so thanks to the little panda that told me it was okay to post it ♥

Yuzuru stared at the wall full of medals as he sat on the floor, arms wrapped around his knees and chin resting against them.

He sighed, bit his lips and closed his eyes.

He didn't want this. He didn't want the fame, the exposure. 

He didn't want the people that thought he was a doll they could manipulate to their every whim, that they could write down his results in a small notebook and forget that he was human, and not a skating robot.

He used to be able to smile without having to fake it. When he was still elated and living his dream before the entirety of his reality started to crumble beneath his feet.

Before people started treating him like a relic, like all he was good for was smiling and letting people walk over him, standing on a little shelf with the rest of the sport's has-been-heroes.

That was not what he wanted.

He wanted realness and support, and above all, he wanted transparency and fairness.

He wanted to have something more, something other than just his ambition to be able to keep moving forward. 

When seasons ended, and he went away from the world, away from the people that loved him and also the people that ignored him, the choice looked so damn simple. 

The choice to leave everything behind, to go away and never come back was so easy to entertain when he was not training, competing, sweating and crying and bleeding for every meagre point some people got just for existing.

But then he went back to it and faked being fine. slapping on a mask so thick, no one was ever able to tell it wasn't true. The makeup he wore was so hard to see if you weren't close enough. And he never allowed anyone close enough to tell.

So, really, there was no choice to make. He had already made it, the second he went back to the rink and put his boots on again.

He would keep being their clown, the entertainer that made people laugh and smile and cry.

He would keep competing, suffering and giving his all for people to dissect every single step of the way.

He would keep running in circles around a prize no one wanted him to have.

  
  
  


He would keep being Yuzuru Hanyu, even when all he wanted was to be anyone else. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you are over 18 and want to come chat with me and a bunch of other amazing writers from the FS RPF fandom, consider yourself warmly invited to [our Discord server](https://discord.gg/DyxBV5mXg2), where we talk about figure skating, ships, plots, angst and fluff and kink, and a plethora of other topics.
> 
> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/K1mHeechu1) (plz, I need more Twitter friends! It'd be nice to have more people to talk to!), [Instagram](https://instagram.com/k1mheechu1/) and [CC](https://curiouscat.qa/K1mHeechu1)


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